- SATURDAY, 09 JULY 2011 08:50
- BY MIHRET ASCHALEW
Cultural and racial differences often put pressure on interracial marriages. In addition to understanding each other, couples in such marriages should also deal with the differences in culture, psychological makeup and value systems. With such a marriage understanding and handling challenges which are external is not going to be easy.
Genet Ashebir of Ethiopian runs her own promotion company that organizes TV and radio programs and has a master’s degree on gender studies. She has been married to a Norwegian citizen for three years and argues that the Ethiopian society finds it hard to accept interracial marriages.
“For me love is an international language. We are together because we understand each other; our values and interests are compatible. But it seems that our society has given itself a license to interfere in the personal life of individuals, she explains with frustration. “When they see a woman with a foreigner they think she is with him for the sake of money. They do not think for a second and see what she might have and who she might be.”
Genet is not the only one who is frustrated about the judgmental nature of society. Ermias Tekeste, 30, agrees with her. Working in a local NGO, he has plenty of friends who have dated foreigners for a long time. “It can be in a taxi, a shopping mall or in a restaurant. When people see an Ethiopian with a foreigner they can’t think that they are just couples in love with each other. Whether the Ethiopian is a man or a woman, they think they are with the foreigner to get money or to travel with them abroad. They can have so many opinions. They don’t want to see it as a common marriage or relationship. Instead they often feel obliged to analyze your relationship.”
Whenever he sees an Ethiopian dating or married to a foreigner, the first thing that comes to his mind is that those people are together because they love each other. Since he knows the pressure that the society puts on interracial couples, whenever he meets a couple in an interracial marriage or relationships, he tries to give them comfort.
“One day, we were in a taxi coming back from shopping, and I was the one who paid. And the guy beside me, who looked gentle and well-dressed, said, ‘is it the money that will be deducted from your payment later?” said Genet, giving an example of the everyday harassment she faces just for being in an interracial marriage.
According to her, this is the result of the society’s application of double standards. Since they are part of the society, most women also believe that if an Ethiopian woman is with a foreigner, she is with him for some form of benefit. She, however, said that women do not tend to give their abrupt opinion on the spot. Such harassment makes Genet argue that Ethiopian women in interracial marriages face far greater harassment than the men.
Similarly, Ermias thinks the men are the ones who make rude comments and opinions right on the spot. Yet he disagrees with Genet in some way. “For most people, success is only money and going abroad. So whenever people see an Ethiopian with a foreigner, whether a man or a woman, they think they are there for money and ‘success’. Be it a man or a woman, the one thing that they need to do is to prove that they are with their partner because of love. They are even expected to explain it to their close friends and family members and this is the hardest thing to do” he said.
A 28-year-old Ethiopian and her British boyfriend, who have a child together, are another couple that told The Reporter of the daily hassles. Yet, this young Ethiopian has requested anonymity to share her experience. Although she is living with her boyfriend, the 28-year-old and her foreign boyfriend are not legally married. She says that since interracial marriages is not common in Ethiopian society, people cannot accept it without questioning each and everything. Oftentimes, the couple will also suffer from judgmental views and prejudice with regard to the question of marriage.
“My closest friends say that I am lucky. But they say that not because I found a loving and supportive partner but because I am with a foreigner,” the young woman explains. “When someone is with a foreigner, there will be too much involvement of friends and family. Actually, maybe because they know what I value most in life, I have not experienced such an impression from my family,” she added.
Recently she submitted a resignation letter to her office because she was planning to leave the country and live with her partner. And people at the office, specially her close friends who know her baby boy’s father is a foreigner, expressed their impression clearly by saying “What is left for you in this country? You have achieved what is needed in life”
“I am leaving town to live with him, and I believe it is better to live together for our child and for us. But I don’t know what challenges I might face there. I have to find a job, I have to continue studying, I have to do a lot of things and I don’t expect life to be easy. But those friends don not see such challenges.”
She says she has faced a lot of prejudice from the society and much involvement from people around. She states that the prejudice came from those who believe they have had exposure and a better understanding of life. “I have a friend whose sister has given birth to a baby by a foreigner partner. He lives in Egypt and she is raising their child here alone. But he visits them and he is the one who supports them financially since she had stopped working. And my friends always insist that I have to advice her sister to start working and I thought she wanted me to give her advice on how to handle a long distance relationship and how to face the challenges of raising a child alone. But when she kept on insisting, I asked her what she really wants me to tell her sister, and I found out she wanted her sister to ask her partner to buy her some property. She explains her reason by saying he will leave her sooner or later so it is better to have something before he does so.
She repeatedly faces questions like why she doesn’t buy a car or a condominium house. Since most of the time those questions are raised by close friends who know her job and earnings well, she thinks it is a silly question to answer. “I know what they are actually saying is, why don’t you ask him to buy you a car and a house. I have got their point and I found it embarrassing to even discuss it.”
Genet also faces similar challenges. Her close friend, who views her as a role model, warned her that her husband might leave her after sometime and that she better be prepared. She found another close friend who knows she was an independent woman who strongly believes in self-reliance even before she was married, but still questions her success and doubts if she only managed to achieve all of that because she was in an interracial marriage.
Because of the society’s opinion and intervention, Genet and her husband have limited their exposure. Luckily, because of their difference on shopping, they did not find shopping alone very difficult. “The challenges of interracial marriage are universal. I saw an intervention from a Norwegian woman who was living here. She couldn’t see our relationship as a natural phenomenon. She always asks me personal questions. Once, I think it was before we got married, I had applied for a visa to go to Norway and I couldn’t get it and when she heard about it, she sarcastically laughed and told me that I’ll get it due time,” she said.
It is a generally accepted trend that Western lifestyle tends to make people individualistic. Similarly Norwegian lifestyle also shares that individualistic norm too. Yet, despite such tradition, even if children got married, the attachment to their parents and extended family will always be there. When asked whether she has problems in this regard, Genet said, “He came from a society that is too individualistic. In Norway, you might hear the death of someone you know after a long time. But he likes our way of life in Ethiopia even if he has reservations with regard to few things. First he came here for an exchange program and he has learnt a lot of things. For instance, even before I got married, if any member of my family wants to visit me, I urged them to let me know in advance. Otherwise, I would be mad at them. Perhaps this has helped us today since no one comes home to visit us “accidentally.”
Genet said that she and her husband have discussed how to handle challenges expected in a marriage and those inherent in interracial relationships before they got married. They have decided that her husband should work and stay here for the time being. “He was a fresh graduate, so living in Norway to work and get experience. On the other hand, I want to work professionally and establish my own economy. Honestly our decision to stay here makes things easy for me. Even if there are challenges I am facing them in my own way”
Genet believes those discussions contributed a lot to their smooth relationship and their decision to stay here made her advantageous.
Because the two have discussed a lot of things, like most couples in new marriages, their fiancés did not merge as soon as they got married. They cook their own food and when she wants she can prepare for him his own food. They have their own time as well. “I am not a type of person who can smother his freedom. Here also, when a lady in relationship or marriage, she should be able to say I need my freedom. The society often considers such demands as rude gestures. Whenever I think about marriage, the issue of my freedom was the first thing that comes to my mind because in our context, I have seen women compromise their freedom in the name of marriage. In my case, I got married without compromising it.”
0 comments:
Post a Comment